By Emily Leone
Dave Wilson remembers it well. He was coaching his youngest daughter's softball game one afternoon, and she just wasn't listening. His daughter grew increasingly unmotivated, not following directions, and Wilson knew he had to do something to her head back in the game.
In front of her teammates, opponents and parents, Wilson crossed the line from coach to parent.
"At second base, I yelled at her so bad that I think the (other) parents got upset with me. At the end of that game, the other coach asked me who she was," he says. "I would rather coach my own kids than let someone [else]. But sometimes, you do get mad at them."
Wilson, who has coached baseball, softball and soccer and is now the director of the Old Allegheny Soccer League on Pittsburgh's North Side, has coached a son and two daughters through the ranks. In that instance, Wilson said, going from coach to parent and back again paid off — his daughter ended up playing well for the rest of the game.
Like so many other parents these days, Wilson found himself in the not-so-uncommon position of trying to balance dual roles.
Because of a lack of time, knowledge or sometimes willingness, there isn't always enough outside interest in coaching youth sports. More often than not, this leads to parents fulfilling that role. And why not? When a child is ready to play a sport, it may make sense for parents to jump into the mentor role, especially when they're already making a time commitment to the sport.
When you take on that role, before you realize it Saturday mornings spent on the sidelines evolve into team pep talks and practice scheduling. Instead of leaving it all on the field, you're now bringing it home, discussing strategies, plays and upcoming games at the dinner table.
ROLE PLAYING
While there aren't any formal statistics available as to how many parents act as coaches for their kids' teams, ask any coach or parent, and they'll tell you that more and more parents are becoming involved in their kid's sports — for better or for worse.
Making a seamless transition between the rink or the field and knowing when to turn one role off is easier said than done. No matter how well-intentioned the parental unit is, problems and pitfalls can arise, says Joe Roberts, a child psychologist and assistant professor at Carlow University.
"The parent-coach role and the parent role merge on the field. It's more troubling to kids when their coaches follow them home," Roberts says. "It is discussion at the dinner table and talking drills, etc. More parents tend to blanch the fun out of it."
Sometimes, parents think that coaching their kids is a great idea and that their children will automatically love the experience. But similar to when parents know that their kid is coming down with a cold, Roberts says there are signs to look for that your kid might exhibit signs that the dual parent-coach position is taking a toll.
Parent-coaches should keep an eye out for notable changes in interest and motivation levels, Roberts says. If you're child starts acting out, throws tantrums or flat-out refuses to play or practice, it's a big red flag that parents need to address the issue with care and concern.
"A child suddenly shifts direction," Roberts said. "He or she once enjoyed a sport but once mom or dad takes over the coaching role, there's reluctance to practice or to get on the field."
He adds that sometimes it's easier for teens to show ambivalence rather than be straight with their parents.
"Particularly with males and sons, sometimes it arises that the sport is the only thing that is holding them together," he said. "They feel like they need to do it to maintain affection."
Younger children and teens have different needs and expectations as well.
"Kids are trying are develop socially, engaging with their peers, making friends, separating from their family more," Roberts says. "Parents think coaching is a way to get closer to their children and spend time with them. Sometimes those two goals are at odds with each other."
"Sometimes overbearing parents don't get it," Roberts says.
PLAYING FAVORITES
Many parents can successfully handle the dual parent-coach role, but sometimes another problem rears its ugly head. When asked what their biggest challenge as a coach was, four local parent-coaches said avoiding or addressing favoritism, real or perceived. The solution may seem obvious: treat your child like you would all of the other players, and hope that your kid expects the same. But it's not so simple.
Aaron Stone freely admits that favoritism can creep up like a base runner stealing third. Stone, who has coached football, baseball and soccer, has had both of his sons, ages 12- and 7-years-old, on his teams.
"There are a lot of problems that come with coaching. Your child feels he should be a starter because his father is the coach," Stone said
From day one, most parents think their child is the smartest, cutest, most talented child there is. And that doesn't change when the kid gets older, making it that much more difficult to avoid favoritism when coaching.
"You want them to succeed and do their very best," Stone says. "But on the other hand, it can be the opposite because you as the coach and father feel your child should be trying harder *because* you are the coach, and you have more time with them off the field that other kids do not."
Dave Wilson agrees, but he is adamant that he pledges to treat each kid the same, regardless of their genes or relations.
Taming favoritism for the sake of other parents is a challenge, too.
Both Stone and Wilson said parents may jump to the conclusion that the coaches' kid is being favored when in reality, coaches have solid reasons for making the decisions they do.
"Parents drop their kids off for practices and at game time they are very upset that their kid is not starting, but they are never *at* practice to see what goes on," Stone said. "As a coach I try my hardest to get every kid into games."
Wilson's brood is all grown now, but since he's still actively involved in youth soccer, he advises getting the team involved in decision making. Collecting input from all of the kids, he says, is helpful.
And he suggests making verbal agreements with your own children.
"You can say, "I'm the coach, but you tell me what you think I can do better, and I'll tell you things I think you can do better,'" he says. "Kids should know that they won't get treated better."
A WINNING COMBINATION
Overall, making the decision to become a parent-coach can be a rewarding experience. There are ways to go about coaching and parenting so that conflicts are minimized and your relationship with your child flourishes, Roberts says.
Parents need to start by examining their own motives for why they're becoming coaches in the first place. If a parent is using his or her child to fulfill a selfish need, like wanting a kid to become the athlete that the parent never was, that's a problem.
"But if you have something to offer your own child but also other children, then great,' Roberts says.
Parents should also make sure they're not getting overly involved in this stage of their kid's life, either, drawing clear lines between being a bystander and an adviser.
"You have to self-monitor your behavior," Roberts says. "If you're the central player, there's a problem."
Most importantly, perhaps, is bringing your own personality into the game. After all, a little selflessness and a dash of self-coaching is a great way to be a part of the game.
"We want you to teach first, but have fun," Wilson says. "You can't get too serious about it."
