D-R-P-PGA

By Val Porter

Picture if you will, being outdoors on a beautiful, sunny summer afternoon. And now imagine in that one afternoon that you would be spending time in both the woods AND at the beach. Ah, now that sounds like a perfect day.

Well it would be, except that both of them were on a golf course. And the beach was actually a sand trap. And no one is ever happy to be on that sand.

Some, though, wouldn't want to be anywhere else. And to be fair, if I was better at golf, I'm sure I'd enjoy it more. But I'm not good at it. I'm not average, OK, not bad, or so-so at golf. I'm just plain awful.

I'm sure when my parents bought me clubs for Christmas when I was in fourth grade, they hoped that I'd really take to it and do well and go on the LPGA tour and support them in their old age.

But that was just another dream they had for me that didn't pan out. I think I used those clubs once. And the one time I used them was an experience that haunts me to this day.

My brother took me to a course near Franklin where we grew up. I'm in fourth grade, probably, 10 or 11 years old. And of course, it being my first time, I was painfully slow. We let an older gentleman behind us play through and he proceeded to rip us up one side and down the other about playing so slow. I've been terrified of golf courses since then and it may be one reason I'm so awful. I clench up, I have flashbacks, I'm afraid of some screaming octogenarian coming up behind me like Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th.

I think I'll make up my own game of golf. I'm great at the driving range. I can drill it. I've hit balls 125-150 yards… Yes, that's something I'm proud of.

I even took golf in college and my professor told me I had perfect form. So excuse me while I pat myself on the back. And I've nailed my share of holes-in-one on a putt-putt course. Self taught, no lessons.

So if I could just combine those two for a single game, it would be awesome. We could have our own league. Hold on, I think I'm onto something here.

The DRPPGA.

Driving Range Putt Putt Golfers Association.

You'll want to get in on the ground floor of this one. We could give cornhole a run for its money.