Sports Bites
Dog Days
By Val Porter

Could someone please tell me why my dog's breath smells like three-day-old road kill? I can assure you he doesn't actually eat three-day-old road kill. Yet for some reason the stench that emanates from his oral cavity could curl your hair. As my Mother would have said, "that would gag a dog off a gut wagon." I actually don't know what that means. I don't know what a gut wagon is, but one can assume that it smells pretty awful. However, maybe our dog Geno is sneaking out when we aren't looking and hitting all the gut wagons in the neighborhood.

OK, I should admit that I didn't know what a gut wagon was until now. I looked it up. It's what they hauled the entrails of slaughtered animals around in way back when. And I also found "would gag a maggot off a gut wagon" and "ugly enough to knock a buzzard off a gut wagon." Yes, my Mother often said cute things like that.

So with that cleared up, it's safe to say that my dog has probably not been on any gut wagons. But his breath does smell like it. And before you tell me that I should have his teeth cleaned, we tried that. He should be in a Pearl Drops toothpaste commercial for crying out loud. They sparkle. Can you imagine your father or grandfather back in the day taking his dog to have its teeth cleaned? My dad was old fashioned about dogs; he thought they should live outside in a doghouse. Not my Stinky. Not my Geno. Are they spoiled? Maybe a little. But they're my little sweet puppies (OK, imagine me saying that in a cute, baby voice… sad and pathetic).

Back to the issue at hand - Geno's breath. Hmm, Geno's Breath… that might be a good name for a rock band. But enough screwing around, let's take care of business.

We have tried brushing his teeth at home and we've tried dog mints. Do they make Breath Assure for dogs? Because that stuff works like magic on people. When he yawns in the morning as he's waking up, he has morning breath. But it lasts all day, every day.

Our other dog Riley, on the other hand, has breath like an angel. She never smells. Except when we first got her out of a shelter. She had just been spayed and couldn't get a bath and was so stinky you could smell her across the room. Hence, the nickname Stinky. But that's it.

Well, that and separation anxiety. So we can't leave her alone or she tears up the house… which is why we got Geno, Mr. Bad Breath himself. They like each other and keep each other company.

Well, I'll keep trying to find ways to combat that stench. I guess I could just keep him out of my face. Nah… he's my little baby man. (Again, imagine the cutesy voice… still sad and pathetic).