Sports Bites
New Game
By Val Porter

Porter. Yes, it is my last name. But it's also a style of beer that years ago, I began to take note of every time I saw one. According to the Beer Advocate website, Porter style beers became popular in the 18th century and got its name from transportation workers in London. Whatever style of beer you like, you have to admit that the Porters have some interesting names. And that's really what I took notice of.

I once saw a bottle of Honey Porter. I promptly decided that should I ever become a dancer at a "gentleman's club", that I would call myself Honey Porter. My parents would be proud. On another occasion I found Wild Goose Porter. That would be my name if I were a major league pitcher. Although, having "wild" attached to your name probably wouldn't be a good thing. Maybe, Right Down The Middle Porter would be better. What do you think about Nothing But Strikes Porter? Okay, those last two are not beers that I've come across, but either would be a much better Porter name for a baseball pitcher.

So I thought that I'd come up with some new names for myself. I've found several Porters during my research. See what you think.

If I were a sailor in the 30s, my name would be Anchor Porter. Or, that's what I'd call myself if I were a mob hit man and my signature was tying an anchor to the waist of my victims and tossing them in the river. Ooh, morbid.

I think Smoked Porter is pretty self-explanatory. I guess I would have been a hippie hanging out in the Haight-Ashbury section of San Francisco in the late 60s. If I were a coffee barista, people would call me Vanilla Java Porter. If I played the washboard in a deep-woods Kentucky bluegrass band, my name would be Otter Creek Stovepipe Porter.

Back in the late 1800s, prospectors looking for gold in California crossed the Sierra Nevada mountain range. So if I lived in those days, I'd have a hotel and restaurant to serve those panning for gold. I'd wear a corset and a big, giant skirt and I'd have a mole on my face. And they'd call me Sierra Nevada Porter.

If I were an expert hunter, I'd have my own TV show and have fellow expert hunters on. It would air on FSN Pittsburgh and they'd call it "The Duck Rabbit Porter Show".

If I were a journalist in the style of Hunter S. Thompson, my name would be Flying Dog Gonzo Imperial Porter.

I know I was really reaching on a couple, but that's the fun of it. I've never really had a nickname. People have just called me Porter. But lots of people have nicknames that are somehow associated with them, their skills, or a signature move. Like Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Maurice "Rocket" Richard, or Shoeless Joe Jackson. I guess if I had a nickname right now, it might be Spoiling The Dogs Porter. Or, Hates It When Her Husbands Steals The Covers Porter. Or maybe, Needs More Fiber Porter. I don't know. I guess for now I'll just stick with Val Porter.