Homecoming
By Val Porter

It's a fall ritual that millions across the country take part in every year. Millions…minus one. It's almost embarrassing to admit that I've never attended Homecoming. Not in high school, not in college, not as an alumni or even as an indifferent spectator. It might be hard to believe, but my high school was too small to have a football team, so that meant no Homecoming. Rocky Grove High School, just outside of Franklin, PA, had what we called "Sports Court." Jocks, jockettes and cheerleaders all got a fancy corsage at Friday night's basketball game with our version of a Homecoming Dance afterwards. But I didn't participate in sports - too uncoordinated. And I didn't get asked to dances.

My life then took me to Clarion University. But again, I never went to Homecoming. In fact, I think I went to only one football game and maybe one wrestling match (Kurt Angle attended Clarion at the same time I did…years before the Olympics, and many years before the Intercontinental Championship). No, I went home to Franklin every weekend to work at the local radio station. Four more years of missing Homecoming.

So I ask, what is the big deal about homecoming? Some people live to return to their Alma Mater and show everyone what's become of them. But really, after a couple years past graduation, nobody cares. And after about four years out, the current students just look at you like you're some clown who can't let go of the glory years.

I guess the only thing I can compare it to is a class reunion. I HAVE had the pleasure of attending my 20th high school reunion, held at the local rod & gun club. For those of you who haven't gone to a high school reunion, let me assure you: it's just high school with wrinkles and excess weight. Nothing really changes. The same people hang out with the same people.

I can only assume that the same basic things happen at a reunion that happen at Homecoming. Everyone tries to look their best: suck in the gut, keep the cellulite covered, and show pictures of the kids and brag about their lives. And there most certainly is some degree of boozing going on. At Homecoming, it's most likely because you're still in that college frame of mind, you probably aren't married yet, and you can still take an alcohol beating and recover fairly nicely the next day. At the high school reunion, it's most likely because the kids have a babysitter. Woo-hoo! Party time!

And what about that inevitable Running-Into-The-Ex Moment? Always handle it with grace, even if he/she is the one that got away. My guess is that if you're a woman, you're hoping that he's completely blown-out, has three kids to at least three different women, hasn't kept a job more than six months in a row, and thank God in heaven that you escaped that life sentence. If you're a guy, you might be wishing that girl who mangled your heart looks like a pre-Jenny Craig Kirstie Alley. Be glad she dumped you. Either way, class reunion or Homecoming, visits to your past can always be tricky.

Who can keep up with that college lifestyle? Like it or not, we all age, we all wear down, we all lose our stamina. But visiting the past never hurts - as long as its just for a few hours.