Been There Wrote This
Yinzer Taxes To The Rescue
By John Mehno

New stadiums on the lower North Side were supposed to bring prosperity. Turns out the Steelers and Jason Kendall are the only ones who have really gotten rich.

This slight miscalculation has contributed to the city's $60 million case of the shorts. The city has cut expenses, but now it desperately needs ways to increase revenues.

The only booming industry in Pittsburgh is sports so, sadly, that's the likely target. Here's a modest proposal:

Buzz tax: Anyone with an open can or bottle of an alcoholic beverage outdoors pays 50 cents for the convenience. It's another quarter if you raise the can or bottle (or both) at the sight of a television camera. Estimated revenue: $4.6 million; more if the Steelers make the playoffs.

Impersonation tax: Anyone wearing a team jersey bearing a name that's not their own pays $1 per use. The city will realize at least $3 million on all the faux Lemieux's alone.

Glory Days tax: It's an extra 50 cents for vintage names like Bradshaw, Lambert, Stargell, Clemente, Francis and Jagr on those jerseys. Should raise another $2 million.

Speed Dial tax: Your first three calls to talk shows are free in any seven-day period. Beyond this, you pay 50 cents per call, with a 25-cent vanity levy if you have a self-anointed handle. It's a $1 fine if you say, "Thanks for taking my call," and $5 if you mention Harold Carmichael. Every reference to a player as a kid costs 25 cents extra.

Calling the Fedko Fone Zone will result in a $10 embarrassment fee. These add-ons can't possibly bring less than $20 million.

Human Billboard tax: Face painting carries a $1 levy. The fee doubles for guys who shave their heads and paint them like Steelers helmets. Expect $500,000.

Torso tax: Going shirtless at a game now costs males $1 with an extra 25 cents per visible tattoo. Should bring $300,000.

Skynyrd tax: Blasting WDVE at a tailgate party costs $2. This will bring in a million.

Slander tax: Repeat, fax or e-mail any unfounded rumor about a sports figure's personal life and pay 50 cents for the privilege. Anticipated revenue: Enough to make Pittsburgh solvent and annex half of Ohio.

In Other Matters

o   Who are these people who believe Kevin McClatchy is running the Pirates into the ground so he can take the team out of town? He's running the Pirates into the ground because he doesn't know what he's doing. He's not devious, he's incompetent. Appreciate the difference. And as much as the junior Oliver Stones like these plots, where exactly would the Pirates go? Major League Baseball has much bigger relocation issues than it can't handle, like Montreal. The Washington D.C. market has failed twice and moving anyone there sparks a huge territorial fight with the Baltimore Orioles. MLB got greedy with expansion and took all the valid relocation sites off the map.

o   Some Penguins fans are delusional when they talk about the team's good young talent. They have young talent, however, based on what we saw at the end of last season, it isn't necessarily good. But memories are short and the summer has a way of washing away the pain. Otherwise, Mario Lemieux never would have come back.

o   If the Steelers somehow manage to miss the playoffs this year, you know it's going to be because Bill Cowher canceled a practice during the last week of training camp and let the players go to the movies. Training camp coverage is always overdone but this particular angle took it to an extreme.

o   Among the many lessons the Pirates have learned the hard way is this: Fear Commitment. Seems like most of the lengthy contracts they've lavished on players have ended with major regrets. The previous administration wound up paying other teams to take Jay Bell and Mike LaValliere off their hands and now the Pirates would dearly love to relocate Jason Kendall and Kris Benson. They're willing to pay $20 million to make Kendall go away.

o   Admit it: You miss watching Mike Williams walk the bases full.

o   Why is it that local TV stations who can't be bothered with sports go completely overboard on high school football?

o   Rick Kehoe, who has been with the Penguins since he was traded here from Toronto in 1974, was reassigned to a scouting job after he was removed as head coach. This makes it official: Kehoe is now Eddie Johnston. You may recall Johnston became Ken Schinkel several years ago.

o   Remember how much you loved Slap Shot and lusted for a sequel? Watch the direct-to-video follow-up and you'll never repeat that mistake. Slap Shot II: Breaking The Ice makes The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh look like Academy Award material.

o   The Washington Wild Things had a fantasy camp. Do a lot of people fantasize about making very little money at a seasonal job and taking bus rides to Rockford, IL?

o   The local sports media is already feeling the pain of Lee Flowers withdrawal.

John Mehno can be reached online at: johnmehno@lycos.com.