Unreality of Sports
As Viewed
By Rob Rossi

If sports are life—and, really, if you're reading this, they are—then April can make a case that it is the greatest of all calendar months. Oh, it's true … it's damn true!

Baseball openers, college hoops' finale, college football's not-so-cleverly named scrimmages, The Association's second season, 'awkey's real season, the end of tax season, the unofficial start of Miss Pretties In Shorts season, clean-off-the-clubs season and, perhaps most important, company softball season. (Speaking of which … Bossman, with all due respect, I'm nobody's backup, yo.) Throw in a pressure-packed PBA Tour and, well, ain't no month got nothing on April.

And that isn't even taking into consideration that April has Yinzer Nation's most anticipated event next to Day 1 in Latrobe—Draft Weekend.

Keeping this in mind — and with all due apologies to The Great Gene Collier — this month's Wide World O'Wack dips into how The Unreality sees the draft shaking out. No rules and for those of you who are feeling ambitious, just try and guess how You Know Who came upon some of these selections.

Rest up, dress up and fess up, kiddies. And, as always, enjoy. Or don't. Your call.

1. Cincinnati - Pete Rose. Actually, the safe bet is that the Bungles trade down.

2. Detroit - Eminem. Just because if Steve Mariucci proved anything, it was that he can handle dudes with tudes.

3. Houston - Beyonce Knowles. As hot as the temps get in Houston … well, Texans fans ain't felt nothing yet.

4. Chicago - Walt Disney. Any team that would guarantee Kordell Stewart a starting position earns the tag of "Mickey Mouse Operation."

5. Dallas - J.R. Ewing. OK, so technically he's not real. To that we respond: Have you seen Jerry Jones' face?

6. Arizona - Lynda Carter. The Cardinals could use Superman, but happily settle for Wonder Woman.

7. Minnesota - Prince. Hey, they drafted Demetrius Underwood!

8. Jacksonville - Pat Boone. Just in case anybody doubted the Tom Couglin era was over...

9. Carolina - Charlotte Bronte. At this point, you really have to be in on the joke.

10. Baltimore - Babe Ruth. He and Ray Lewis should get along splendidly. Babe is already dead, so …

11. Seattle - Jimi Hendrix. Anybody who thinks this guy can't play hasn't listened to "Voodoo Chile."

12. St. Louis - Chuck Berry. The living definition of "bad."

13. Washington - Connie Chung. Once upon a time she was the most sought-after free agent on the market.

14. New England - Wings. (from Buffalo) What?

15. San Diego - Carmen. Though, word on the street is nobody knows where she's at.

16. Kansas City - Burt Bacharach. And here we thought Dick Vermeil couldn't possibly cry any more.

17. New Orleans - Any of the Neville Brothers. Sure, Louis Armstrong is the safe pick, but championships are not won with safe picks.

18. New Orleans - Anybody who grew up on South Beach. Even one of the (from Miami) Neville Brothers doesn't come cheap.

19. New England - Nooooooorrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm!

20. Denver - John Denver. No, he wasn't from Denver. But neither was Bob Denver, and he was really the only other option we'd consider.

21. Cleveland - If Cleveland had anybody worth idle time, well, it wouldn't be Cleveland, then, would it?

22. New York Jets - Ray Liotta. He keeps calling, begging to get his name in this thing. So there, Ray … happy now?

23. Buffalo - Gladys Knight. (from Atlanta) Two words: The Pipps. Enough said.

24. Indianapolis - Oscar Robertson. Has more "clutch" in his big toe than Peyton Manning has in his entire body. Of course, his big toe is really, really big.

25. New York Giants - Jack Nicholson. The man survived seeing Kathy Bates naked. Now that is a toughness you don't understand.

26. San Francisco - Robin Williams. Just crazy enough for the organization that traded Joe Montana and cut Jerry Rice.

27. Steelers - A safety, duh! In case you hadn't noticed, all of the top ones are still on the board.

28. Tennessee - Cybil Shepherd. See "The Last Picture Show."

29. Green Bay - Somebody? Anybody? No? Fair enough.

30. Philadelphia - Bill Cosby. It's late, we're hungry and he comes with free Jell-O.

31. Oakland - Dan Marino. Oh, the other Oakland. Our bad.

32. Oakland - John Gruden. Call it a do-over.