"Subject: Local Colleges"

To: dan.dakich@hello.goodbye

From: john.beilein@long.season

Dear Coach Dakich,

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for backing out of the WVU head-coaching job last year. I appreciate the fact that you were able to provide a nice cushion between Gale Catlett and me-ole Gale would have left some big shoes to fill, but I think yours will fit quite nicely.

I totally understand your decision to back out on WVU once things got tough. Hey, I did the very same thing in the 3rd grade when Scary Sammy Cleaverman arrived in the lunch line at the same time as me ­ I let him go first. No need for things to get hairy! And as far as the things some fans were saying, questioning your loyalty to both Bowling Green and West Virginia, nonsense. I understand that too. In fact, I even had a 17-year old basketball recruit waver on his decision once. He didn’t actually commit to the program at a press conference or anything, but he did tell me he might want to play for me before he decided to play somewhere else. So that’s very similar.

And the schedule! Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to put their coaching skills to the test against Urbana and Cleveland State in late December? We only get to play UNLV and Tennessee at that time. And that stretch in February where the Mountaineers play highly regarded Notre Dame, Villanova, Syracuse and 4th-ranked Pitt? Sure, it’s easy to get your team motivated for those kinds of opponents. But the clearer challenge is in getting them focused for such teams as Western Michigan, Northern Illinois, Ohio, and Central Michigan.

So thanks, Dan, for setting the bar for me. Heck, I’ll have one-upped you if I can manage to hang around just another few days!

Your successor,

John

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To: joe.paterno@getting.cranky

From: oliver.stone@movie.director

Dear Coach Paterno,

I had to write you to let you know what an influence you have been on me this fall. You may be familiar with some of the movies I have directed-Platoon, Wall Street, JFK, Nixon…I recently even did a football movie, Any Given Sunday. While I liked Any Given Sunday, I felt it was missing some of the elements that made my other movies so good-namely, a targeted conspiracy.

I have watched most of your Penn State games this season. I initially paid attention only to the tough, gun-slinging, athletic quarterback. I saw was a devastating running back with good speed and classic toughness. I was focused on the outstanding receivers, the surprising play of the defensive secondary, and the near dominance of the defensive line. You have made me realize that my true focus should have been on the shoddy officiating, not the actual play of the football team.

As we both know, the most necessary element to any good conspiracy is distraction ­ provide something to take the focus away from the obvious. You handled that perfectly, particularly in the Iowa game. The way you talked about the two bad calls against you TOTALLY deflected focus from the bad call on the Iowa touchdown that was called back. Brilliant. Grabbing the official after the game? Great distraction from the nearly 500 yards in offense surrendered by the Lion defense. And grabbing another official during the Ohio State game? I almost forgot that your team only had eight first downs the entire game!

Finally, the effigy move was tremendous; I’ll definitely be able to use that in my next film. Yes sir, Coach, your crusade against the officiating has almost made me forget about the fine season the team is having. Kudos!

Sincerely,

Ollie

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To: pitt.fans@empty.seats

From: steve.pederson@please.com

Dear Pitt football fans,

Holiday greetings from the Pitt Panther football program (we’re the ones who DON’T play on Sundays or Fridays)! Since I don’t have a chance to see very many of you on Saturdays, I wanted to take this opportunity to pass along my well wishes.

We always said, “if we win, fans will come.” And we’re winning-more than we have since 1989. In fact, we beat the third-ranked team in the nation not too long ago. And we almost sold 40,000 seats to the home game that followed. We’re proud to point out that roughly the same amount of people can be found in the men’s room at Beaver Stadium during any given halftime. We’d also like to point out that there were less than 20,000 empty seats twice this season! Well, we’ve never had less than 20,000 empty seats, but on two occasions less than 20,000 tickets went unsold. Progress!

Even though I am not originally from Pittsburgh, I have tried to get inside the mindset of our fan base. And even though I haven’t quite figured out how the sloppy turf at Heinz Field relates to empty seats, I think I’m close.

In any case, I think I can safely invite you all to my house for an after-season cook-out. I’ll just need to return most of the food I bought, and some of the tables and chairs I borrowed from neighbors.

Happy Holidays,

Steve