"To: pirate.followers@wits.end"

From: kevin&dave@bucco.frontoffice

Hi everyone!

Well it’s been a most difficult year for the Pirates. Another 162, 161 in our case. Another losing season.

I figured I would be public enemy No. 1 in 2002 after raising ticket prices after a 100-loss season. And I was right.

But, hey, we lost money in 2001 and after the good folks of Pittsburgh came out in record numbers, I figured I’d see how many more suckers were left to gouge along the way.

I guess I miscalculated.

Oh well, I figured no matter the public black eye I suffered in the fight over the size of water bottles in 2001, I still hold the upper hand, considering I’m the owner of the team with the “Most Beautiful Ballpark in America.”

I was sure happy we agreed to a new collective bargaining agreement this past season. That extra cash might just help us land a player who could help us win 75 games next year, you know a guy like Marquis Grissom or Orlando Palmeiro or even Fred McGriff, guys that are either past their primes or one who never has been a starter in the major leagues. That’s the kind we like to plug in and see what happens.

All-in-all, it’s been a decent offseason. We retained Lloyd McClendon as our manager. We didn’t want to be giving him $600,000 to just sit out there in Gary, IN, with nothing to do. And we got rid of some of the dead weight from that coaching staff. Who put that staff together anyway? Sssh. That Cam word isn’t spoken around here anymore! Oh, that’s right, there wasn’t a whole bunch of money to go around then. We took what we could get and lived with it.

Things are going to be better. Remember, we built the “Most Beautiful Ballpark in America.”

I’m turning things over, not totally mind you, to Dave Littlefield now to close out the Pirates’ Christmas Card.

This really is another step in the Pirates changing the way we do things. I’ve been here almost 18 months now and changed a lot. Not the losing. But a lot. Stay out of my way. Many have been swept up and away in the past year. There’s more to come.

Happy Holidays,

Kevin and Dave

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Subject:

To: santa.claus@north.pole

From: pat.meares@bonifay.fired

I’ve spent the better part of the past year in exile from the Pirates’ organization. They say my hand is injured to the point I can’t play at the level expected of a major leaguer. However, I figure I could hit .150 ­ the exact average of reserve infielder Mike Benjamin last season ­ despite my inferior hand. But that’s not why I’m writing, Santa. I’ve given up on baseball. But I really would like a new hand for Christmas. It’s just that it would be much easier collecting and counting that $3.75 million the Pirates owe me in 2003 with two healthy hands instead of one.

Pat

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To: santa.claus@north.pole

From: ben.sheets@chin.music

I really want the opportunity to throw at Aramis Ramirez again. I figure that hot-headed, mound-charging maniac would take another whack at me if I smacked him good with a high hard one. Hopefully, that will spark a bench-clearing brawl, Ramirez would get hurt and then suspended and never recover and have another subpar season. Maybe, just maybe, my Brewers could then overtake the Pirates in 2003.

Ben

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To: santa.claus@north.pole

From: lloyd.mcclendon@lame.duck

All I want for Christmas is more talent to work with. Some veteran leadership would help, too. But it’s obviously going to have to come from outside the organization because my veteran leaders are too busy commenting on every move the front office makes and erecting shrines in my clubhouse for a broken down, overpaid, one-handed middle infielder.

Lloyd

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To: santa.claus@north.pole

From: jason.kendall@declining.stats

I want artificial surfaces for every ballpark in the major leagues so some of my ground balls that use to go through for hits aren’t gobbled up as routine outs. Also, I’d like no more plays at the plate so I don’t have to worry about getting run over and so I don’t embarrass myself any further because almost every time there is a play at the plate I can’t hold onto the ball or miss it completely.

Jason

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To: santa.clause@north.pole

From: pirate.fans@every.where

All we want for Christmas is a new “Voice of the Pirates.” He doesn’t even have to think he’s a friend.

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To: santa.claus@north.pole

From: honus.wagner@pearly.gates

Please bring me the rightful label of “Greatest Pirate Ever.” For so long the question as to whether Roberto Clemente, Barry Bonds or Willie Stargell is the “Greatest Pirate Ever” has raged on. The raw data only confirms my greatness and the numbers of the others pale in comparison. Barry’s the greatest player to ever wear the Pirates’ uniform. Clemente is the most beloved, though only after death. And Willie, well he’s trying to get those of us here in the great beyond to buy him a car before he graces us with his presence. It’s kind of like what he wanted from the Pirates when they asked him to come to Pittsburgh so they could honor him for his Hall of Fame induction.

Honus