Subject: Pittsburgh Steelers

To: santa.clause@north.pole

From: elf.bradshaw@ex.qb,

elf.bubby@ex.qb,

Subject:

Coach Bill Cowher-Another newspaper strike.

Ten years ago, when Cowher was enjoying his honeymoon season as the rookie coach of the Steelers, The Pittsburgh Press and The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette did not publish from May (a few weeks before minicamp) until January (by which time Cowher’s decision to bench me, Bubby, for a playoff game had been talked to death). It was Cowher’s first taste of the playoffs, and he did then what he has done on repeated occasions during his successful tenure as Steelers coach-he lost a playoff game at home.

Cowher’s record in postseason games played before a friendly mob is 6-4.

During his first season, Cowher was largely insulated from criticism from the newspapers, because of the truck drivers’ strike. Doesn’t he wish the same situation existed today?

Cowher refused to answer questions about play-calling and strategy after the Steelers lost to the Atlanta Falcons, 34-34, on Nov. 10. (Lost is the correct word. To a man, the players in the locker room insisted it was a loss after blowing a 17-point lead in the fourth quarter.)

Sorry, Bill. You aren’t so lucky this year. Two daily newspapers in the city of Pittsburgh and several other fine ones in surrounding areas continue to dog your team.

But maybe if you call up the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa, there could be another drivers’ strike and it would be a Dickens of a Christmas for you.

Newspaper reporters - More controversial games.

Nothing stirs the pot better than reporters questioning coaches about clock management, blitz timing and other desperately needed nuggets of information that make the journalistic clock tick.

What would be better for the reporters than a 0-0-16 season for the Steelers. (It’s too late for this year, but, Santa, could you consider it in 2003?)

Ron Wahl (Steelers public relations director and news conference coordinator) - No more questions.

Tommy Maddox - Nothing.

Whatever gift you bring to Maddox-other than peace and harmony for his family-should be immediately returned. Compared to what he had two Christmases ago, Maddox has it all. A new, rich contract, a coaching staff that allows him to repeatedly make plays down the field and pass catchers who aren’t afraid to give up their bodies to make receptions. Then, he gets up and starts walking less than 24 hours after he was on the ground, without feeling in his arms and legs. Lucky and blessed are two words that best describe one of the nicest guys in the Steelers' locker room.

Jerome Bettis - A body that won’t wear down in the stretch drive of this season.

Bettis, who is approaching his 31st birthday, wants to play at least one more season beyond the current one, and would consider two, if he remains healthy.

But a knee injury kept him without carries for three consective games at mid-season.

He is still an effective, powerful runner, but he’ll need to remain that way to convince the Steelers that he is a better alternative for their running game than Amos Zereoue.

Plaxico Burress - A Christmas party where everyone drinks egg nog (unspiked; appropriate on many levels).

Lee Flowers and Wayne Gandy - The love (otherwise known as the dollars) that the Steelers have shown to so many other players.

Flowers and Gandy are the only Steelers starters who can reach unrestricted free agency next year. In other words, they have no idea where they will be playing in 2003.

At their ages-Flowers will be 30 and Gandy will be 32-neither is eager to relocate, and may be willing to come back to Pittsburgh if the Steelers are offering anything.

Flowers is still good in run defense, Gandy can seal the quarterback’s blind side with the best of them and both are excellent team leaders. The Steelers will find it difficult to come up with better replacements, without putting serious cracks in their salary cap.

Amos Zereoue - The end to all those questions from people wondering if his 5-foot-8 body can take the pounding from an entire game’s worth of carries.

Zereoue carried 37 times for 123 yards against the Atlanta Falcons in November, and his best run that day was his last-19 yards to the Atlanta 7 when he was darn near exhausted. Unfortunately, the play was nullified by a holding penalty.

Tim Keane (Heinz Field playing surface manager) - A hardy brand of grass that doesn’t come up in clumps when herds of 300-pound men run on it.

Hey, Santa you have performed a few miracles in your time, but this is going to be a tough one.

Jason Gildon - Amnesia for all of the league’s offensive coordinators.

Gildon has been among the NFL’s best pass rushers for the previous four seasons, recording 11, 8.5, 13.5 and 12 sacks from 1998-2001, giving him a career total of 62.5 entering 2002.

But Gildon became a marked man and got off to a slow start this season, only 3.5 sacks in the first nine games, because opposing offenses have been leaning their pass protection toward him. The great pass rushers survive such tactics and find new and better ways to get to the quarterback. If they are destined to end their season in the Super Bowl, the Steelers need Gildon to do just that.

Steelers fans - Patience to accept the fact that their favorite team isn’t perfect.

In Tommy Maddox’s first six starts this season, the Steelers scored four touchdowns in each of five games. Counting the first Cleveland game, which Maddox entered in the fourth quarter, the Steelers scored 22 touchdowns (not counting one kickoff return) in 27 quarters. In 1998, the Steelers played an entire season (65 quarters) and scored 21 touchdowns.

Still, the fans moan about a scoreless overtime session. I’m sorry, but you people don’t know how good you have it.

Russ Grimm and Dick LeBeau-Eventual election to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Grimm, the Steelers’ offensive line coach, might have been the premier member of the Washington Redskins’ offensive line-The Hogs-that paved the way to four Super Bowl appearances and three championships. An 11-year starter at guard, he was voted to four consecutive Pro Bowls and was a first-team selection to the 1980s NFL All-Decade team.

Beyond his playing ability, Grimm has been a standout assistant coach for the Redskins and Steelers since he retired as a player after the 1991 season.

LeBeau, the coach of the Cincinnati Bengals, is a former All-Pro cornerback, who has spent 44 seasons in the NFL (14 as a player). He was defensive coordinator for two Super Bowl teams-the 1988 Cincinnati Bengals and the 1995 Steelers.

Their exclusions from the Hall of Fame are two of the great injustices shown by an otherwise fine institution of football history.