Been There, Wrote This
Virtual Reality At Heinz Field
By John Mehno

They don’t miss a trick, those Steelers.

This has nothing to do with any triple reverses that offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey has dreamed up and everything to do with the game day activities at Heinz Field that some genius in the front office has concocted.

They don’t need a game to draw a crowd anymore.

For $7, you can soak in the Steelers’ game day experience even though the actual Steelers are physically playing in some place like Nashville. They’re opening the stadium when the team is on the road and allowing fans to come in and watch the game on the big screen. They sweeten the deal with a bobblehead giveaway and dust off a couple of vintage Steelers to sign autographs. There’s a band and-this is the best part-some of the food and merchandise stands are open. They add the last part like they’re doing you a favor.

Business has been slow. Crowds have been around 1,000 but the people who have gone have enjoyed themselves. It’s kind of like the ultimate sports bar with plenty of elbow room and really bad drink prices.

This fulfills the long-standing suspicion that some Pittsburghers like the idea of going to a game better than the game itself. They load the Winnebago with food and drinks, they paint their faces and they tailgate. There comes a point where attending the actual game seems to do little but interrupt the real fun - unless you like to watch the grounds crew guys make like John Travolta and do that quick Saturday Night Fever two-step on those tricky turf divots.

Yes, Steelers road games at home is marketing at its finest because there’s not even a real product to sell. Sure the picture is sharp on the giant screen (although it seems to be disproportionately horizontal) but ultimately it’s a TV. Is it worth leaving your home, paying to park and then confronting inflated concession prices and a $7 cover charge so you can sit in uncertain weather and watch the game on TV?

Some people think it is. If the concept catches on, this is a great opportunity for the always-beleaguered Pirates to steal a page from the Steelers’ thick book of tricks and open their park for home games. That’s for home Steeler games, of course. People aren’t crazy about the Pirates but they love the ballpark, so make it an adjunct location for home football games. They can offer all the alcohol-soaked WDVE blasting atmosphere of the lower North Side with the football in a more picturesque and detached setting.

There are prime tailgating spots right across the street, there’s a big screen and, after last season, the Pirates have plenty of surplus $4 hot dogs and beer that’s otherwise beechwood aging until next April.

So open the gates, collect seven bucks and get ready for the stampede.

If the Steelers have a big season, the Pirates might net enough to buy a center fielder.

In other matters…

o   Just in case you run into one of the old Steelers, you’re obligated to tell friends, “Man, he looks like he could still play.” Here’s a scoop: He couldn’t. If he could, he would.

o   The Penguins had two players staring down free agency last season: Darius Kasparaitis and Robert Lang. They made an iffy trade with Kasparaitis and kept Lang, who wound up signing with Washington. So what they have to show for two decent players is Ville Nieminen, a third-line forward and penalty killer. A team in the Penguins’ circumstances has to do a lot better than that.

o   (This observation is brought to you by the makers of Duquesne Beer and Silver Top Ale….Duke is the natural brew for the natural man.) Not only are Steelers radio broadcasts busy with two analysts in the booth and a sideline reporter, there is an overload of sponsor mentions that must be wedged into the commentary. Poor Bill Hillgrove didn’t have to talk this fast when he was a disc jockey. (Now back to the rest of the column, brought to you by Winky‘s. Remember…Winky‘s makes you happy to be hungry).

o   Having high school coaches grade the Steelers wasn‘t a worthy idea a decade ago when it was fresh. It inexplicably continues to waste space. The person in charge of good ideas at One of America’s Newspapers apparently remains on an extended sabbatical.

o   This Jake Ploeger on WTAE-TV is so young looking, you keep thinking he’s going to ask you to buy band candy.

John Mehno can be reached at: johnmehno@lycos.com.