Blame Elmer
By Billy Elmer

First, let me apologize for the terrible Steeler loss in the AFC Championship Game.

I accept full responsibility for the defeat. Blame me, yeah me, Billy Elmer. It's my fault. Don't blame Coach Bill Cowher or Kordell Stewart or the defensive scheme or lack of offensive drives. Blame me.

I jinxed us.

How, you ask?

Earlier in the fall, I agreed to work two weeks in January without consulting Miss Cleo or even Beano Cook. What an idiot I am. I didn't believe. I could have been lounging comfortably at my friend Bobby Joyce's house enveloped in Steeler clothing and Iron City beer, pierogies and Terrible Towels out the wazoo.

Besides, we always win the big games at Bobby J's place.

Never change during a winning streak, but I had to go to Houston for this little job I call stand-up comedy.

Instead of Bobby J's, I sat in a sprawling house in Houston surrounded by wine spritzers and crawfish. You haven't lived until you've watched the "Stillers" with people who have a Southern accent ("Ya'll been Dahntahn?"). Yeagh.

The lady of the house was a transplant from Cheswick and the only person wearing black and gold. Houston doesn't even have an NFL team yet, although every day the newspaper lists players their Texans could pick from the NFL flea market known as the Expansion Draft.

At halftime, I need a dark room and a Percocette.

Next week, I find myself in Las Vegas for the mother of all Super Bowl parties. I sat in the Tropicana's VIP party, my only interest being the free food and the showgirls giving away Mardi Gras beads.

At halftime, I snake my way out of the production only to run into a couple of girls draped in Terrible Towels. My whole attitude perks up. I've found friends from home. Friends to commiserate our shared pain.

"STEE-LERS," I scream out. "Woo, yeah, horray!", they slur out as they stagger and stumble off into the sea of outsiders. It kind of reminded me of the Steelers' season.

Billy Elmer is presently touring the country doing stand-up. He can be reached at billyelmer@yahoo.com or (724) 355-1344.