Cannon Firing Line
Opening Ceremonies For Pittsburgh's March Madness
By Ellis G. Cannon
PSR Publisher

The subject's too easy: Putting together Pittsburgh's Opening Ceremonies for the men's NCAA first round hoop action passing through town this month. Inspired by the recent Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies, it only seemed natural to extend that insanity to March Madness. Again, though, too many good ideas, not enough space.

Obviously, for the benefit of our out-of-town guests who only know us from history books and Monday Night Football, free Terrible Towels must be handed out as fans arrive at Mellon Arena. For those discriminating local fans who've had their fill, however, let's make sure they receive a free pair of those glasses that former local wrestling legend turned politico, "Jumping Johnny" DeFazio, wears. That way we'll show our guests we have much more substance about ourselves than just towels.

Besides, the idea is to honor our cultural and sporting past, so let's do it right. Black and gold face paint for everyone.

To give the proper local flavor, of course, we'll need some construction, so let's tear up a few ramps. Just pick up some of those orange barrels you can find all over town, set 'em up and clog the ramps. Make the people feel at home.

Pens' fans and management should not fear, however. Somehow, the construction will be miraculously finalized just days before the first Steelers' home game next season, so it's not like the barrels will be there forever.

Oh yeah, make sure you bring a couple folding chairs to the tourney. If you're in line for the face painting or some other congestion at the arena, but have to go to the bathroom, you'll want to have the chair. Just plunk it down to sort of reserve your spot in line. Treat it like it's a parking space; hey, it's "yours," right?

Because this is a high-profile event, I certainly hope somebody has some coin to drop on all of this. If so, give the people what they want and strategically place television monitors throughout the arena continuously showing a 1970s Steelers' highlight video. Over and over again. If you've ever been to the Hockey Hall of Fame, you'll find an exhibit of Paul Henderson's goal beating the Russians in the 1972 Summit Series. It never stops. Same idea, only local, and it will ease the pain that comes with foot-traffic congestion.

Oh, oh, we forgot that batteries must be dispensed to fans entering the building. Folks will want them just in case Dave Parker shows up. You don't want to leave the paying public high and dry if they have a chance to pay homage to The Cobra. At press time, we were uncertain if commemorative hockey pucks could also be handed out, but certainly tournament officials will check that out.

We all know the food and drink that will be available, Pittsburgh style, so no need to go there. Considering that it will be Lent, here's hoping that there are at least a couple venues within the building to accommodate some fish fries. And none of that fancy stuff, alright? Just basic fish. We all know that's the only type this is.

Once you get into the arena proper, you'll need to be appropriately welcomed, so let's get images of Carnegie, Frick and Lawrence projected onto the arena ceiling with some type of voice-overs. That can't be too tough in today's world. For the more personal touch, however, have Bill Cardille serve as the Master of Ceremony. For that matter, hopefully anyone even remotely associated with Chiller Theater will be involved. Let's honor our local heroes.

Face it, if the Theatre is not prominently on display before the first jump ball, how good a ceremony is it?

Somebody has to sing, so who better than Sophie? Bring her out dramatically ala Kate Smith. If it worked in Philly all those years, Pittsburgh can make it happen one time.

Just don't let Ms. Masloff go on too long, though, because we know that with five minutes left in this production, half the crowd ups and leaves, regardless of how good the ceremonies are or matchups that day promise to be. That traffic thing, you know.

Assuming Jumping is cool with this, I say we give peace a chance and have the city colors brought out by teamster officials and a couple Pinkertons having the honors. What's a little Pittsburgh history if we can't bury the hatchet on the Battle of Homestead?

And hire those same four dopes that show up at Penguins' game, somehow sit in the good seats and try to start the freaking wave every game. Considering this is the only market in the country that seems to even have four people interested in that joke, let 'em do their thing. It will fail, like it always does.

Who knows what the actual ceremonies will hold, what with these things always being a state secret. At the very least, we certainly hope the Immaculate Reception is reenacted. And, let's make sure all ceremony participants wear those gold shoes L.C. wore. "Hollywood Bags" has to be honored. You know he would be if this was taking place in L.A., so let's make sure it doesn't slip between the cracks.

Oh yeah, can we find some of those guys who show up every October at whatever's left of Forbes Field to listen to Maz' homer again?

I don't know, maybe we won't be able to put on the type of show they had in Salt Lake. In the end, maybe we won't have reenactments of Conestoga wagons, skating buffalo, Native-American chiefs, real big icicles and some kid skating around as the fabled "Child of Light," but we should do OK.

If I just had a little more space. . .

Ellis Cannon hosts "The Pittsburgh Sports Report with Ellis Cannon" weekends, 10:00-1:00 on Pittsburgh's ESPN Radio. He is also publishes the Pittsburgh Sports Report and is a regular panelist on KDKA-TV's "#1 Cochran Sports Showdown", Sundays at 11:35 p.m.